My First Lemon
by Pinku
Summary: This fic doesn't have any sexual content. Ranma and Akane just get abused. Pissed off Anon says: "Worst story I've ever had the misfortune of reading!" XD


**My First Lemon**

By Pink(u)

Standard disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is property of Takahashi Rumiko. And a bunch of other companies that capitalize off of Takahashi-sensei's work in exchange for mass distribution and a percentage of profits, I'd bet. Not that I'm complaining…

* * *

The day didn't _start out_ so turbulently. Then again, those are the best days to have an …interesting day. In fact, any day that's described with an ellipsis before its description is always one that's …memorable. 

Ranma was still reeling from shock, as he tumbled into his futon with a strange, detached daze on his face. Things couldn't have turned out like that… it wasn't possible. His father Genma, slightly concerned (not that he was eager to show it), followed him into the bedroom in order to make sure Ranma at least made it to bed safely. It took a bit of coaxing and steering before Ranma actually _made_ it into the room, after all.

The boy was so distracted that he completely missed the doorway to the room, only feebly nosing into the wall. For a seasoned martial artist, especially a student of the Anything Goes School, extraordinary agility was ingrained at the subconscious level. Certainly no son of Saotome Genma could be shaken so easily. Ranma's miserable failure at entering a room spoke volumes about the levity of his mental state.

The shrieking that came from Akane's room earlier that day was ghastly and inhuman. Genma shuddered at the memory as he lay next to his son, allowing himself to drift into sleep once he knew Ranma would not move. _It must have been vicious,_ Genma mused before sleep finally took him.

Once in bed, Ranma eventually registered that he was horizontal. He would worry about how he actually got there later, not that it mattered. The only thing filling his mind was the highlight of his day…

* * *

"Come here, Baby! It's time to feed you some lunch!" 

Ranma raised an eyebrow and looked up fro his pushups. He watched P-chan trot down the hall past him and rolled his eyes. At the end of the hall and halfway up the stairs, Akane sat with a small dish and chopsticks.

_No lying jerk deserves the kind of treatment Bacon Breath is getting…_ Ranma stared purposely into the floor and continued his workout, drowning his anger in a quickened pace. The day was too nice to be ruined by something so mundane. He gritted his teeth, trying to take in the warm scent of a hot afternoon, trying to block out sugary coos and laughs.

"Mmm, that's good, isn't it?" A giggle. "Don't you look so cute with that sauce on your widdle nose? Another damned giggle.

_Oh, _screw_ this._ Ranma stopped his pushups and sat up, wiping his face with a towel. "Gimme a break! Even dumb animals know how to eat, Akane. Why do you gotta obsess over a lower life form?" He smirked when P-chan grunted in rebuttal.

Akane rolled her eyes, continuing to feed her precious pet. "It's not obsession; it's taking care of a pet, Ranma."

"I bet there's an animal rights group I can sic on you for feeding your horrible croquettes to that thing. Add that to the amount of times you shove him into your less-than-ample chest and I bet PETA would come rallying to take him away!" Ignoring Akane's very visible anger and flaming battle aura Ranma placed his hands on his hips and continued. "I bet if we talked it over with Nabiki we could feature your tiny rack in a tent of horrors and charge admission! No, no wait. Better yet we could--"

For once Akane suppressed the urge to flatten Ranma. She figured that the more spiteful thing to do would be to continue babying her favorite black pig. Holding P-chan, she headed up to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Ranma would have none of this. He wanted closure! The young martial artist rushed to Akane's door, pushing his way into her room.

"Looks like you're hard of hearing, now. Like I was saying--"

"Take a hint," Akane growled. "You were _boring_ me to death with unintelligible babble so we left. And who said you could come in?"

Ranma ignored her and continued. "Like I was saying, we could set up a booth, you sexless girl!"

"Stupid, how can you call me 'sexless' and a girl in the same sentence?"

"It's called an oxymoron!"

"_You're_ the moron!" Before Ranma had the chance to scoff Akane stood, cocking her fist back before it bulleted into her fiancée's face. Ranma raised his hand to his throbbing cheek as Akane slumped onto her bed. P-chan leaped straight into the short-haired girl's embrace, making a point to nuzzle into her chest.

The gesture wasn't lost on Ranma. "Pretty damned bold to do that right now, P-chan."

Akane snorted. "S'funny, isn't it? How such a casual thing for him is too much for you to handle."

Ranma stood silent for a moment before a delayed rebuttal. "Saotome Ranma can handle anything." He gestured to Akane's chest. "Even that tent of horrors attached to your torso."

"You're totally scared. Isn't that right, P-chan?" Akane's pet squealed back at her, nodding his head.

"That's because you'd pound my head in before those things could kill me, Stupid."

"Ah, so you _would_ do it!" Akane blushed at the implication. "Pervert!"

"N-no I wouldn't!" Ranma matched her blush with his own.

Akane sighed in relief. "Th-that's right, because even though you're a girl half the time you can't stop from freaking out when another girl even winks at you."

"Why you…"

"Hah! Ranma, you're all talk! Regular flirting with a girl doesn't involve martial arts, though. I guess that means you can't do it."

"Take it back before you regret it, Akane."

"Hah! Bring it on, girly-man, unbutton my shirt without turning red!"

Ranma paused. "Pardon me?"

Akane laughed, reveling in her spite. She placed P-chan down on the bed next to her and leaned back with both hands planted into the mattress. As if her, um, guns were loaded she pointed them menacingly at Ranma. "I believe you heard me, Sir. Hurry up and prove my point and then show yourself out."

Ryouga, no, P-chan could not believe what he was hearing. Akane could not believe what she was asserting. Ranma could not believe what he was doing. He clenched his fists… this was a battle!

"Yeah, well…" Ranma swallowed hard. "Remember, you can't hit me for this. You asked for it." Ranma tried to look away as he reached towards Akane's shirt. Trembling fingers sought refuge at their first checkpoint: the top button. They fumbled for what took way too long until the shirt finally relented. Ranma continued this pathetic process until the entire shirt was done. He wiped the sweat off of his reddened face afterwards.

Akane's breathing was quickened. She collected herself. "Hah! You blushed! Wuss! Candyass!" She accented each insult with an accusing finger.

It was too late, but Ranma tried to cover his face. "Yeah well, you take off my pants without blushing! It's not easy!"

If Akane flinched, Ranma didn't notice. "No problem. Here's how it's done."

P-chan was completely livid by now. He watched in horror as Akane shyly pulled at the drawstring in Ranma's pants, and squealed once they fell to the ground. Unable to handle what was happening he rushed out the room, unnoticed.

"Hah, yourself!" Ranma pointed at Akane. "You're blushing, too!"

"What on earth are you talking about, my complexion is naturally rosy!" Akane turned her head away.

"You can't even admit the truth, can you? Who's the candyass now! What are you going to do on our wedding night, hide under the bed?"

Akane blinked, quietly waiting for Ranma to realize what he was implying. She soon grew tired of waiting. "If I someday, somehow married _you_ I'd have to make room because you'd be hiding under it too!"

Ranma folded his arms indignantly. "Wanna bet?"

"You're not man enough. Quit while we're even, Saotome…" Akane sneered.

"I'll show you, you--"

* * *

Ranma stared at the clock. At two thirty in the morning Ranma sat up and stepped over his sleeping father, somehow sure Akane would still be awake. He crept quietly up the stairs to Akane's room, staring at his feet. Another pair of feet met his, toe to toe. He raised his gaze and met with Akane's, as she stood shyly before him. Ranma opened his mouth to speak, but refrained from saying anything when Akane raised a finger to her lips. 

Ranma fixated on them, remembering what he had done with them earlier, until he noticed Akane's gesture to follow her. Akane led Ranma into her bedroom and closed the door behind her, careful not to make a sound.

"Akane," Ranma finally ventured.

"Y-yeah?"

"Hey, listen." Ranma shoved his hands into the pockets of his pajama pants, idly wondering when he put them on. "About earlier… I'm sorry I yelled at you like that."

"Yeah, um. I wanted to say the same to you."

"Truce?"

"Yeah." With a smile Akane looked at her feet.

"G'night." Ranma headed towards the door and opened it. "Oh! Almost forgot. Akane?"

"Yeah?"

Ranma put one hand behind his head and grinned. "You're really cute when you f---."

* * *

Notes:   
Um. I randomly felt like rewriting this to… Wait, what happened to Ryouga? Let's see: 

Oh.

Wait.

…are you sure you want to know? Don't say I didn't warn you.

* * *

Kuonji Ukyou hummed to herself as she placed a trash bag into the alley next to Okonomiyaki Ucchan's. With a satisfied grin she headed back into her restaurant. A black object suddenly launched itself towards her face, but she was able to deflect it, swatting it down into the grill. 

Before she knocked it into submission she could have _sworn_ she heard the words, "Cook me!" screeching out of it. She stared, incredulous as she glanced down at the little black pig on her grill. It was starting to smell good.

She shrugged. Removing the yellow bandana from the grill, she searched the countertop for a knife.

Once it was ready, Ucchan's pork okonomiyaki special sold out in a matter of minutes.

* * *

**Notes (this time I'm serious!):**

Okay, like I started to mention, this is a rewrite of an older story. I'm not even too nuts about this story, but I had fun because it was completely spontaneous. May as well post it somewhere.

Before anyone asks: yes, I'm working on _Fade and Flare_, AND _Solar Demise_. The newest installments of both stories are not long enough for me to put up yet. They're coming soon, though. It goes without saying, but I've been extremely busy.


End file.
